A few days ago I relapsed. And every single day since, as soon as I'm conscious, whether my eyes are open or not, I'm attacked. Lustful thoughts bombard me and my body responds in kind. Seconds tick by and suddenly the battle is entirely over, as quick as it began.
I have a feeling that getting to day 100 will be extremely difficult this time around. I could list endless reasons why I should be doing better. Quite simply, I'm not. It's inexcusable. I don't want sympathy or pity. I want someone to kick my butt and make me do better.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Potential
Potential is one of my favorite words. I don't know how to define it. It seems to me that potential is the ability or power or capability for growth. That may not be the "right" definition, but it's the one I'm going to roll with.
I have potential. Potential to be a good father; to have more faith; to be more patient; to he more humble; to be more honest; to be, overall, better. I won't be a father for a while. But a mentor reminded me many times that it is my duty while living in this life to become better. Especially in this age, with the family under attack constantly. My duty is to prepare myself for whatever comes. Before being a father though, I am an Elder. And before that, I was a Boy Scout, and since you never really stop being a boy scout, it is my duty to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, reverent, and prepared.
I have the potential to become many things. I have the potential to be great or terrible. I have the potential to be astounding or dim. I have as much potential as any one else does on the planet. And recognizing that fact is almost intimidating.
I have the potential and am working to become a good future father. And a great future husband. I want to be an author, a novelist, but saying those words doesn't define it. Saying I'm a writer is a vast understatement of what I actually do. I'm an inventor, a curator, a researcher, a worker, a swordsman, a knight, a nobleman, a king, a woman, a lady, a sniper, a queen, a king. Within my mind rests the ability and potential to create vast kingdoms, enchanted lands, deep stories, vast and huge worlds that are filled with wonder and excitement and danger and sadness and joy.
When I say I'm a writer, what I'm saying is that I am a creator. I create. And I have the potential to become a better creator. I have the potential to create worlds and stories and characters that make people feel more than they have in a while. I have the potential ability to infuse emotions into words. And that is the magic of writing. That's the potential of words. That's the ability of the writer. It takes little skill to put words onto a page. It takes great effort to fuse soul into letter, emotion into sentence, and power into a story, setting, world, or character.
Potential. Don't underestimate it. Don't underestimate yours.
I have potential. Potential to be a good father; to have more faith; to be more patient; to he more humble; to be more honest; to be, overall, better. I won't be a father for a while. But a mentor reminded me many times that it is my duty while living in this life to become better. Especially in this age, with the family under attack constantly. My duty is to prepare myself for whatever comes. Before being a father though, I am an Elder. And before that, I was a Boy Scout, and since you never really stop being a boy scout, it is my duty to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, reverent, and prepared.
I have the potential to become many things. I have the potential to be great or terrible. I have the potential to be astounding or dim. I have as much potential as any one else does on the planet. And recognizing that fact is almost intimidating.
I have the potential and am working to become a good future father. And a great future husband. I want to be an author, a novelist, but saying those words doesn't define it. Saying I'm a writer is a vast understatement of what I actually do. I'm an inventor, a curator, a researcher, a worker, a swordsman, a knight, a nobleman, a king, a woman, a lady, a sniper, a queen, a king. Within my mind rests the ability and potential to create vast kingdoms, enchanted lands, deep stories, vast and huge worlds that are filled with wonder and excitement and danger and sadness and joy.
When I say I'm a writer, what I'm saying is that I am a creator. I create. And I have the potential to become a better creator. I have the potential to create worlds and stories and characters that make people feel more than they have in a while. I have the potential ability to infuse emotions into words. And that is the magic of writing. That's the potential of words. That's the ability of the writer. It takes little skill to put words onto a page. It takes great effort to fuse soul into letter, emotion into sentence, and power into a story, setting, world, or character.
Potential. Don't underestimate it. Don't underestimate yours.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Moving on
I've mostly abandoned my old tumblr. For a myriad of complicated reasons, but the biggest is that I simply don't feel comfortable on there anymore. After about 15k posts, I get wary. I get tired. And no, I didn't mean weary--I mean wary. Alert. On guard. I didn't feel comfortable. Not anymore.
The biggest reason for that is that I simply am too open for my own good. Especially online. I always feel like I have to be appreciated. There's nothing wrong with wanting validation, but being on that site makes me feel like, if I don't get a note, no one saw the post and it was just a waste.
I started using the site for other people instead of myself. I started censoring myself simply to please others. I wouldn't reblog political posts because I knew that it would make one of my followers antsy. That's not how I should run my blog. Only, on tumblr, while it may be referred to as a blog, it really isn't. There's a tumblr culture propogated by the funny text posts that makes it feel like there's a competition undercurrent. If you get "tumblr famous" suddenly everyone loves or hates you. If you get a tumblr text post famous, suddenly notes appear on your dash like crazy and you gain followers like mad. It becomes this quest to either be the smartest, funniest, stupidest, or most profane. As if any of those define you as a human being, or somehow elevated you into some kind of god-tier level that allowed you internet sentience.
If you're a hipster blog, the fandom blogs mock you for liking what you like, even though the fandom blogs mock others for liking something other than what was mainstream. If you stepped a toe out of line, there'd be some self-proclaimed intellectual tearing apart your words and reading way too deeply into the 7% of yourself you put into a text post that you may not have even thought would ever get popular.
And don't tell me "it's your blog - just do what you want". Because yes. You are entirely right. But if I am so sensitive to others' feelings of me and their thoughts and impressions about me (and yes, I recognize that by being this sensitive, I'm basically putting myself into bondage to how they interpret me, which isn't good either) that I can't even say what's on my mind, it no longer becomes worth it.
Another issue I saw with tumblr and it's "tumblr culture" was escapism. Everyone wanted to sleep, or watch movies, or escape in some way rather than face life. And yes, I have noticed that tumblr does attract a lot of "social outcasts" that don't really fit in in one way or another. I firmly believe in facing problems, not running away from them, and seeing so much escapism made me uncomfortable after a while. I got used to it, but when I discovered that I got used to it is when I got upset most about it.
When I got so used to seeing profanity that my eyes slid over it or my mind blanked over it, I knew something was wrong. When I stopped talking about what I thought mattered most simply because it made others uncomfortable, I knew something was wrong. When people would passive-aggressively shame me for being in a relationship simply because they were single, I knew something was wrong. When my "friends" started putting worldly things into their lives and abandoned covenants that they'd made for pleasure, I knew I needed to get away.
I could go on and on about why I made a new blog. But for the moment it really just suits me to say that I was tired of running a blog where I felt like I had to impress everyone with what I posted. I was stick of being unable to be me because I was so sensitive to what others thought of me that I censored myself instead of displeasing them.
I'm not going to do that here. I probably will also only post once in a while, with long breaks between posts, but I find the more I have freedom to spill my guts in text, the more often I return there for the freedom I feel - and that's how I felt when I first started using tumblr.
Another reason I left was because I felt betrayed. I had a friend on there that tended to swing into obsessive phases--one of them was the Church to which I belong. Now said friend has switched their life around and gone after entertainment. I won't shame them for finding something else, but I will admit to being disappointed in said friend's choices. I believe allegiance to God comes before entertainment. And I believe in sticking with God through times of trial, instead of running away.
I hope my friend finds God again. And I hope that I will be a little wiser with my internet existence.
The biggest reason for that is that I simply am too open for my own good. Especially online. I always feel like I have to be appreciated. There's nothing wrong with wanting validation, but being on that site makes me feel like, if I don't get a note, no one saw the post and it was just a waste.
I started using the site for other people instead of myself. I started censoring myself simply to please others. I wouldn't reblog political posts because I knew that it would make one of my followers antsy. That's not how I should run my blog. Only, on tumblr, while it may be referred to as a blog, it really isn't. There's a tumblr culture propogated by the funny text posts that makes it feel like there's a competition undercurrent. If you get "tumblr famous" suddenly everyone loves or hates you. If you get a tumblr text post famous, suddenly notes appear on your dash like crazy and you gain followers like mad. It becomes this quest to either be the smartest, funniest, stupidest, or most profane. As if any of those define you as a human being, or somehow elevated you into some kind of god-tier level that allowed you internet sentience.
If you're a hipster blog, the fandom blogs mock you for liking what you like, even though the fandom blogs mock others for liking something other than what was mainstream. If you stepped a toe out of line, there'd be some self-proclaimed intellectual tearing apart your words and reading way too deeply into the 7% of yourself you put into a text post that you may not have even thought would ever get popular.
And don't tell me "it's your blog - just do what you want". Because yes. You are entirely right. But if I am so sensitive to others' feelings of me and their thoughts and impressions about me (and yes, I recognize that by being this sensitive, I'm basically putting myself into bondage to how they interpret me, which isn't good either) that I can't even say what's on my mind, it no longer becomes worth it.
Another issue I saw with tumblr and it's "tumblr culture" was escapism. Everyone wanted to sleep, or watch movies, or escape in some way rather than face life. And yes, I have noticed that tumblr does attract a lot of "social outcasts" that don't really fit in in one way or another. I firmly believe in facing problems, not running away from them, and seeing so much escapism made me uncomfortable after a while. I got used to it, but when I discovered that I got used to it is when I got upset most about it.
When I got so used to seeing profanity that my eyes slid over it or my mind blanked over it, I knew something was wrong. When I stopped talking about what I thought mattered most simply because it made others uncomfortable, I knew something was wrong. When people would passive-aggressively shame me for being in a relationship simply because they were single, I knew something was wrong. When my "friends" started putting worldly things into their lives and abandoned covenants that they'd made for pleasure, I knew I needed to get away.
I could go on and on about why I made a new blog. But for the moment it really just suits me to say that I was tired of running a blog where I felt like I had to impress everyone with what I posted. I was stick of being unable to be me because I was so sensitive to what others thought of me that I censored myself instead of displeasing them.
I'm not going to do that here. I probably will also only post once in a while, with long breaks between posts, but I find the more I have freedom to spill my guts in text, the more often I return there for the freedom I feel - and that's how I felt when I first started using tumblr.
Another reason I left was because I felt betrayed. I had a friend on there that tended to swing into obsessive phases--one of them was the Church to which I belong. Now said friend has switched their life around and gone after entertainment. I won't shame them for finding something else, but I will admit to being disappointed in said friend's choices. I believe allegiance to God comes before entertainment. And I believe in sticking with God through times of trial, instead of running away.
I hope my friend finds God again. And I hope that I will be a little wiser with my internet existence.
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