I think Satan's a little vindictive

A few days ago I relapsed. And every single day since, as soon as I'm conscious, whether my eyes are open or not, I'm attacked. Lustful thoughts bombard me and my body responds in kind. Seconds tick by and suddenly the battle is entirely over, as quick as it began.
I have a feeling that getting to day 100 will be extremely difficult this time around. I could list endless reasons why I should be doing better. Quite simply, I'm not. It's inexcusable. I don't want sympathy or pity. I want someone to kick my butt and make me do better.

Potential

Potential is one of my favorite words. I don't know how to define it. It seems to me that potential is the ability or power or capability for growth. That may not be the "right" definition, but it's the one I'm going to roll with.

I have potential. Potential to be a good father; to have more faith; to be more patient; to he more humble; to be more honest; to be, overall, better. I won't be a father for a while. But a mentor reminded me many times that it is my duty while living in this life to become better. Especially in this age, with the family under attack constantly. My duty is to prepare myself for whatever comes. Before being a father though, I am an Elder. And before that, I was a Boy Scout, and since you never really stop being a boy scout, it is my duty to be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, reverent, and prepared.

I have the potential to become many things. I have the potential to be great or terrible. I have the potential to be astounding or dim. I have as much potential as any one else does on the planet. And recognizing that fact is almost intimidating.

I have the potential and am working to become a good future father. And a great future husband. I want to be an author, a novelist, but saying those words doesn't define it. Saying I'm a writer is a vast understatement of what I actually do. I'm an inventor, a curator, a researcher, a worker, a swordsman, a knight, a nobleman, a king, a woman, a lady, a sniper, a queen, a king. Within my mind rests the ability and potential to create vast kingdoms, enchanted lands, deep stories, vast and huge worlds that are filled with wonder and excitement and danger and sadness and joy.

When I say I'm a writer, what I'm saying is that I am a creator. I create. And I have the potential to become a better creator. I have the potential to create worlds and stories and characters that make people feel more than they have in a while. I have the potential ability to infuse emotions into words. And that is the magic of writing. That's the potential of words. That's the ability of the writer. It takes little skill to put words onto a page. It takes great effort to fuse soul into letter, emotion into sentence, and power into a story, setting, world, or character.

Potential. Don't underestimate it. Don't underestimate yours.

Moving on

I've mostly abandoned my old tumblr. For a myriad of complicated reasons, but the biggest is that I simply don't feel comfortable on there anymore. After about 15k posts, I get wary. I get tired. And no, I didn't mean weary--I mean wary. Alert. On guard. I didn't feel comfortable. Not anymore.

The biggest reason for that is that I simply am too open for my own good. Especially online. I always feel like I have to be appreciated. There's nothing wrong with wanting validation, but being on that site makes me feel like, if I don't get a note, no one saw the post and it was just a waste.

I started using the site for other people instead of myself. I started censoring myself simply to please others. I wouldn't reblog political posts because I knew that it would make one of my followers antsy. That's not how I should run my blog. Only, on tumblr, while it may be referred to as a blog, it really isn't. There's a tumblr culture propogated by the funny text posts that makes it feel like there's a competition undercurrent. If you get "tumblr famous" suddenly everyone loves or hates you. If you get a tumblr text post famous, suddenly notes appear on your dash like crazy and you gain followers like mad. It becomes this quest to either be the smartest, funniest, stupidest, or most profane. As if any of those define you as a human being, or somehow elevated you into some kind of god-tier level that allowed you internet sentience.

If you're a hipster blog, the fandom blogs mock you for liking what you like, even though the fandom blogs mock others for liking something other than what was mainstream. If you stepped a toe out of line, there'd be some self-proclaimed intellectual tearing apart your words and reading way too deeply into the 7% of yourself you put into a text post that you may not have even thought would ever get popular.

And don't tell me "it's your blog - just do what you want". Because yes. You are entirely right. But if I am so sensitive to others' feelings of me and their thoughts and impressions about me (and yes, I recognize that by being this sensitive, I'm basically putting myself into bondage to how they interpret me, which isn't good either) that I can't even say what's on my mind, it no longer becomes worth it.

Another issue I saw with tumblr and it's "tumblr culture" was escapism. Everyone wanted to sleep, or watch movies, or escape in some way rather than face life. And yes, I have noticed that tumblr does attract a lot of "social outcasts" that don't really fit in in one way or another. I firmly believe in facing problems, not running away from them, and seeing so much escapism made me uncomfortable after a while. I got used to it, but when I discovered that I got used to it is when I got upset most about it.

When I got so used to seeing profanity that my eyes slid over it or my mind blanked over it, I knew something was wrong. When I stopped talking about what I thought mattered most simply because it made others uncomfortable, I knew something was wrong. When people would passive-aggressively shame me for being in a relationship simply because they were single, I knew something was wrong. When my "friends" started putting worldly things into their lives and abandoned covenants that they'd made for pleasure, I knew I needed to get away.

I could go on and on about why I made a new blog. But for the moment it really just suits me to say that I was tired of running a blog where I felt like I had to impress everyone with what I posted. I was stick of being unable to be me because I was so sensitive to what others thought of me that I censored myself instead of displeasing them.

I'm not going to do that here. I probably will also only post once in a while, with long breaks between posts, but I find the more I have freedom to spill my guts in text, the more often I return there for the freedom I feel - and that's how I felt when I first started using tumblr.

Another reason I left was because I felt betrayed. I had a friend on there that tended to swing into obsessive phases--one of them was the Church to which I belong. Now said friend has switched their life around and gone after entertainment. I won't shame them for finding something else, but I will admit to being disappointed in said friend's choices. I believe allegiance to God comes before entertainment. And I believe in sticking with God through times of trial, instead of running away.

I hope my friend finds God again. And I hope that I will be a little wiser with my internet existence.

Re: What's The Point?

(Originally posted on tumblr.)

Of being smacked around by trials, tribulations, dangers, traps, sickness, temptation, and all the horrors of life? As God told Joseph Smith while he was stuck in jail, it’s for our experience. Ultimately whatever happens to us is a result of living among billions of imperfect people, the vast majority of which do not know the truth, or because we’ve been disobedient, or because we need to grow.

But why? Why do we need experience? I just want to lay around all day and take naps and watch Blues Clues.

You’re not here to do that. You’re here, ultimately, to become converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ. It’s said that only the pure in heart will see God. The reason for this is that they’re the only ones that will be able to. The pure in heart will see God because they’ll have learned the lesson of life and what it means to be converted. They will be graced to do so because they are willing to do whatever it takes to do so.

We came here to receive a mortal body so that we could experience mortal life. Before that we were spirits, and before that, intelligences. We, as far as I know, have always existed in some manner. Now we have this rented sack of meat, this sacred incredible body, and we have to learn how to bend the body to the will of the spirit.

Ultimately that is our biggest, hardest lesson. Because your spirit, the part of you that came from Heaven, knows the truth and chose to obey God and come down here to Earth is already hard-wired to obey God, the closest we can be to God is to get as close as we can to who we were back in Heaven. Once we do this, once we understand that the body is carnal and sensual and often wants exactly what is worse for itself, and we learn how to make our Spirit’s take control, we’ve achieved one of the most important steps to lead us to become an overall better person.

The best form of mastery is self-mastery. The warrior that does not know himself, does not know who she is or what she wants, is the warrior that will not fight with everything they have, because they don’t have everything to fight with. It’s only when we align our will with that of God’s that we have any chance to do any good here. Yes, we can do good on our own, of our own merit, for our own purposes, but it is laughable in comparison to anything we could do while we’re on God’s side.

Another view on this is that we find who we were to lose who we are in God so that we become a new creature. That’s what spiritual rebirth is. And because emotions are rooted in spirit, not flesh, we are totally remade when we are reborn of spirit.

The point, brothers and sisters, is to learn to trust God, wholly, fully, totally, having all faith in Him and His words.

Mom's in the hospital - and other updates

It finally occurs to me that I can actually use this place to talk about what's actually on my mind instead of dazzling it up for others to see and read about. Because I have a lot on my mind and a lot of it I can't say anywhere else.

My mom is in the hospital - again. I hate depression but I probably can't even comprehend it. And I hate that I can't comprehend it, because if I can't comprehend something then I don't know how to actively work to help someone that has it.

Buggie's gone back to Idaho and is in class at the time of posting. She knows, but I don't know how to tell anyone else. My mom is at the UofU ER right now and I just have this pit in my stomach. God will get me through this though. I just hope it's His will to get mom through this too.

You know what's really on my mind though? Why can't people just say straight out what they think instead of misdirecting their thoughts into some vague passive-aggression? And I know I'm being hypocritical right now in saying that, but it irks me when people are like "I don't agree with you" and then don't even mention who "you" is, especially when they refer to an event that only you know about and then don't bother on tagging you or @ing you. -_- It's ridiculous.

In the meantime, I need to be writing, but I don't know if I can focus on it with this pit in my stomach.

Bugdan

This is a cliche post. I don't care. It's still true.

I love Buggie. I love her smile. I love how she's cute whatever she's doing. I love how intelligent she is. I love that we can talk about anything and I know that she'll think of something that I didn't or wouldn't. I love how she surprises me or makes me think and learn and grow. I love hearing her voice and I love the time we have together. Often it's short, but it's always important. She is a beautiful young woman and I love her so very much. I'm grateful for her imperfections, because it shows me that I'm not the only one with problems. We're both derpy and sorta messed up.

She is amazing, and I am so grateful to be dating her. I'm very grateful that she loves me back and returns my feelings.

Excerpt of a letter I wrote to a future missionary

"if you encounter anyone that has struggled or is struggling--with an addiction or not--make sure to do what you can to tell them that they cannot ever do anything to make God love them less. I have a personal testimony of this that is as large as my testimony of the Church that God won't ever abandon any of His children and that we will never be forgotten. God will love us whether we like it or not.

Beware of perfectionism, and I'd advise that when you teach you'll help them feel like they don't have to be immediately perfect. We aren't given a timeline for perfection, but are simply expected to try and do a little better each day. That's actually harder in my mind, because going day by day makes it super easy to get into the trap of surviving instead of living. We get caught up going day by day instead of living each day, and there's a big difference between the two. If we try and be perfect immediately, we'll fail, burn out, and probably come to the conclusion that we can't do it right off the bat. That will help them grow, but it will cause a growth in them that should help them wake up. But when we live day by day, we remember to honor God at all times, and make sure to put Him first.

Alternately you'll run into perfectionists like me, who will go through life and not take advantage of opportunities and will berate themselves for not being as good as they know they could be. Advise them to forgive themselves and try harder. Gordon B. Hinckley said that goals aren't sticks to beat ourselves with, but milestones to work towards, and that the Lord doesn't want us to use our past as a consistent source of guilt if we have repented of our wrongdoings. It's the balance between not burning yourself out and not getting lazy."

Be better

Better. More better, very better, more good, gooder. This is what I need to do. I keep slacking off and hurting people. Including myself. Including God. Everyone I was ever a friend with that knew what was going on in my life. Everyone that needs more than anything to have some hope and comfort in knowing that addictions can be overcome. And more than that, that they are real and that having one doesn't make you a horrible person.

Addictions are trials. And mine is the biggest trial in my life. It's on my mind a lot which is probably obvious. I'm simply tired of it already.

Day 1. I will fight with whatever fervor I can muster.

Just thoughts

Distance is a painful teacher. But you know what I dislike even more? The feeling that I have nothing to say. This is me. I always have stuff on my mind. I always have stuff to say. It might not be right now and it there may be lapses but they're usually short. Now it seems that the gaps have grown longer. And I don't like that.

I have voluntarily left tumblr for a possibly extensive hiatus. I could say a variety of reasons why I left tumblr but the biggest one was that I didn't feel comfortable posting my own thoughts on my own blog.

That's basically what a blog is, isn't it? A place for your thoughts. I don't understand why I feel like this place is necessarily any safer, but I do feel safer posting here. I have a lot of thoughts to get out. And a lot of them, people don't agree with.

Of you it is required to forgive

I hope this reaches everyone that reads this post with feelings of acceptance, honesty, and an open heart.

We read in Doctrine and Covenants section 64, verse 10, this following message:

 10 I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.

And, equally important, the previous verse:

 9 Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

We live in an age especially afoul of the influence of the enemy of righteousness, Lucifer, the same angel that was banished from heaven for trying to wrestle the power and glory of God away from God. Because of this and because of his influence on the world for many centuries, indeed, since the days of Adam and Eve, there have been exceedingly many ways that every culture in some way has been tampered with. Satan--for that's the name he carries now, because when he rebelled he lost the title Lucifer, which meant son of the morning, carrying with it high title and cause for praise, and became Satan, the enemy of all mankind--strives to cause as much pain, hurt, agony, suffering, discontent, contention, malice, strife, and heartbreak as he can manage.

A particular message Satan spreads is that of relativism, which ultimately holds that nothing is eternally true, that nothing is absolutely right, and that nothing is "good" or "bad". Marvin J. Ashton said this very thing in 1982.

"There are some who would have us believe there is no right or wrong—that everything is relative. We must never allow ourselves to think proper conduct and decision making are found in a convenient path somewhere between right and wrong."

Because there is ultimately a right and a wrong, we can extrapolate that there are indeed wrong things to do and have done to you and for you to do to others--and to yourself.

People will wrong you. That does not excuse them or their behavior. Existing as a human being, with a body, soul, and mind, is not an excuse to do whatever you like and get away with it. As we are given free agency--the agency to do what you want--we are also given the law of consequence--which, summed up as much as I am able, means that for every action, there is an equal or opposite reaction. The reaction may come years down the road, or it may take place slowly over time, but for every action, there is a reaction.

There are many different kind of consequences for many different kind of actions. And there are definite infinite eternal rules that are set in place that everyone, regardless of any denominator you may consider, is held to. These are commandments, and they are more than rules. They are not creative suggestions, subject to the whims and feelings of mankind. You have the agency to disobey, but you do not have the agency or the foresight to consider and see every way that your disobedience will impact you and those around you.

With this said, we are commanded to forgive. Self-justifications of "I shouldn't forgive them because x" or "but I don't have to forgive him because I feel y toward them" are not excusable. God is not a respecter of persons, and as we read earlier, it is the greater sin not to forgive.

We all fall short. We all sin. We are all imperfect. And so it is of magnificent report that we have the Atonement on our side, if we forsake and confess our sins, our wrongdoings, and repent. The repentance process is not for those that have never sinned, because only One has ever lived that fulfills that qualification. Rather, repentance, and the Atonement, is for everyone that has ever lived, is living now, or will ever live in this experience of mortality. Without the Atonement, there would be no point. There would be no forgiveness, there would be no joy, there would be no law, for without equal mercy and justice, the law could not be perfect and therefore not be upheld by righteous Beings.

There are those that would argue that rules bind us down, that rules are not for everyone, that to bind everyone to follow God is an injustice. Those that say this are misled. As Alma taught his son Corianton in Alma 42, verses 16 to 22:

 16 Now, repentance could not come unto men except there were a punishment, which also was eternal as the life of the soul should be, affixed opposite to the plan of happiness, which was as eternal also as the life of the soul.

 17 Now, how could a man repent except he should sin? How could he sin if there was no law? How could there be a law save there was a punishment?

 18 Now, there was a punishment affixed, and a just law given, which brought remorse of conscience unto man.

 19 Now, if there was no law given—if a man murdered he should die—would he be afraid he would die if he should murder?

 20 And also, if there was no law given against sin men would not be afraid to sin.

 21 And if there was no law given, if men sinned what could justice do, or mercy either, for they would have no claim upon the creature?

 22 But there is a law given, and a punishment affixed, and a repentance granted; which repentance, mercy claimeth; otherwise, justice claimeth the creature and executeth the law, and the law inflicteth the punishment; if not so, the works of justice would be destroyed, and God would cease to be God.

In other words, if there was no law, there would be no right or wrong, and cause for an Atonement, or, indeed, a world at all, would be frustrated. The point of coming to this land, this earth, is to prove ourselves worthy and righteous to a just and loving God that we are worthy and able to be trusted with His Kingdom. What point is a test of this nature if there are no rules to follow?

Without repentance, without forgiveness, we would be sorely stuck. Without forgiveness of others we are blocking a large part of our right to the Atonement, because what is the Atonement but merciful forgiveness? When we refuse to forgive someone of their trespasses, we are denying them and ourselves opportunity to become more like Christ.

If you fall short of your own expectations, forgive yourself. If you fall short of someone else's expectations, if they are righteous, work to provide recompense of some sort that is acceptable to both parties. If others have wronged you, do not be offended. Elder Bednar said this in the most recent (2013 April) general conference about being offended:

Believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted.

I appeal to all that read this to forgive; forgive themselves, forgive their neighbors, forgive those that have wronged them, and to forgive themselves for not forgiving others earlier.

"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."

-Mark Twain

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

If you aren't willing to reach up to the bar, you won't get far in the race

Today I was talking to a friend. I'd noticed that they had started swearing lately. Once before I had told them that I didn't care if they swore.

That Jordan was stuck in a rut that couldn't get above 20 days. It's day 196. And I've learned one thing now that I hadn't learned then:
If you do not go the full measure, if you do not pour everything you have into Christ, you will never be free of whatever bondage entraps you.

I asked this friend if she had taken the Sacrament that day. They replied in the affirmative. The Sacrament is a physical reminder for the covenants we took upon Baptism and also a reminder of what the Atonement means.

At-one-ment. At-one-moment. At-one-moment-we-are-with-Christ. The Atonement is to become closer to Christ. And thus, when we take advantage of the sacrifice that Christ has offered to us, we come closer to him.

When we swear, we are not being Christlike. We are offending the Spirit. This friend of mine told me in no uncertain terms that they respected my opinion but that they were going to disregard my words.

I am at day 196. They are still struggling to rise above a week with their addiction. And now I'm questioning how they think they can win when they're repeatedly offending a member of the very Godhead that they're appealing to to escape their bondage.

It doesn't make sense to me. Swearing is not an attribute of Christ. He rebuked those that used profane language. Using the excuse of "well it's just words", yes, and we are just men, just in the cause of the very highest Authority in the universe, just commanded to be like Him and His Son in every moment of every day.

I'm not going to do the traditional "I'm not perfect, I sin too" line because this isn't about me. Ultimately everything we do is about Christ. We are players on the field of Christ's battle, engaged in Christ's cause, for Christ. Christ is the only way to freedom. And thus, everything is about Christ.

Or, it should be.

Passive-Aggressive

Okay, honestly, this is starting to piss me off. And I'm going to be a super hypocrite in this post because I'm so irritated by this.

If you have a problem with me, or how I run my blog, or how I live my life, or how often I talk to my friends, I'd always much rather you talk to me about it directly instead of sending me passive-aggressive anonymous messages on tumblr. If you want to talk to me, either you don't care enough to do it directly or you don't care enough about me to tell me that you feel neglected WAY before anything else happens.

If I have told you that you've helped me in my life, OBVIOUSLY I care about you. And there are a few people that I care about that may not have directly helped me but that I still want to stay in contact with. But when all you do is send me passive-aggressive nonsense on tumblr, it really makes me NOT want to be your friend. Same goes for twitter and facebook and just about everywhere else.

Glasses and writing

Sometimes I honestly think I'm intelligent. Although most of the time I don't even bother with the thought of it at all. It doesn't matter to me so much if I'm intelligent. What matters is what I do with whatever intelligent I have. Still, the intellectual look may not be so bad on me. I'm getting glasses hopefully today at Standard Optical and I'm HOPING that they look good. I'll be skyping Buggie later on and hopefully we both like them.

Even if we don't there's not much I can do. I think I look good in them. But the opinion of a woman--and especially a girlfriend--is never to be taken lightly.

However, now I am kind of at a loss as to what to do. I finished Rise of Absulon today and really dislike the idea of majorly editing any of my novels on my tablet. So I may just start something new or pick up an old project and finish it. I'm getting post-apoc vibes though so I may do something along those lines.

Day 174

It has been a long time since I've posted here. And it was partially on purpose that I stopped posting. To be honest I made this as a place to feel more open about my life. Because at the time of posting here more often, I was waiting to be in a relationship with Buggie.

Now we're happily together both striving to be better people, small steps at a time. Life keeps getting more interesting. But more on that in a few days.