Life

Today was a great day. Until about 6:37, when my dad pulled up to my friend's party with a migraine and told us we had to go. So me and my obedient brother trotted off and left, to discover that both of our cars are basically broken down.
My family has been through a lot. Money issues, constant depression, stress at work, work drama, midwife drama. We've had our fair share, but I was always younger and figured somehow it'd still work out. Now I'm older, and a bit wiser. Families can go down the drain in a lot of different ways.
I know I need to get a job, but I'm terrified of doing so. It's an abstract terror, not something I can really face indirectly, which is my way.
How I work summed up in two lines: put it off until the consequences are small and then wait for it to pass and blame it on something else. I'm ashamed of it but it's who I am.
I dislike who I am but I'm supposed to love who I am. How do you love what you hate?
Not only that, but we're constantly told as a generation that we're "awesome", despite all the other emotional abuse that we're put through just by growing up, as if being regularly told that we're "awesome" is going to do much. It's AWESOME that you think I'm AWESOME, but we're all AWESOME. Awesomeness is the state of existence to me because I've heard that word so much. It means nothing to me. It means less than the word "noob" means to me. I'm awesome? That's good, give me some meat to it. WHY am I awesome? WHAT makes me awesome? What makes being in my presence so special? What is it about me that is so absolutely enthralling?
And why would that make me worthwhile?
Take a breath, hold it in, but in the end, I still won't win. Addiction is slavery to a temporary satisfaction. And what am I but an addict? I'll always be here, in this damn pit of hell, always stuck here with my own problems, never strong enough to face much of anything.
People call me strong because I never let them see me weak.

But it's okay. It'll pass.