Hey God,

This is kind of my open letter to you. This is an apology letter, a rant, and many other things all wrapped up into one. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm mad at you. I really am not. I'm more mad at myself than anything.

I'm sorry I slipped up again. Yesterday was day 6. I nearly made a week. But I slipped up, and now it's day 0 once again. I'm getting--have gotten--so used to slipping up that day 0 doesn't really even seem like anything insignificant anymore. Oh, it's just another day in a neverending war that I won't win. I suppose the issue is right there, where  I said that I won't win. I want to win. I think I do. But so far winning doesn't seem to be something that I'm very good at.

You see, God, I don't think I'm a very awesome person. I have this very strange self-esteem issue where I have to be perfect, but I'm utterly hideously flawed, and some people can disobey the commandments and they won't get a second thought from me, but if certain others do, I feel like hell below should rise up and swallow them up.

And you know what God, I'm a little tired of this world, where people think they can do whatever they want and get off as if nothing had ever happened. I wish Jesus would get down here and lay down the law, in no uncertain terms, so that people would stop acting like the exhaust pipe of a tractor. I'm tired of idiots acting in your name and tarnishing it, doing works of evil in your name.

And most of all, I'm tired of Satan. I don't think I can win this. I guess that's just where I am right now. I'm come to a twilight roadcrossing and have missed all sense of direction as to what to do next. God, I really am stuck here. Unless I'm changed, I don't think I'm ever going to do any better at this life than I have been.

I could be a fair bit worse. I could be doing a lot worse things than I am doing. But that doesn't excuse the wrong things that I've been doing for the past 7 years.

I love so many things that are worldly and forget to love you. Writing is where I put my trust, faith, and time, and not you. I'm not sure if I even want to try to fix that. I know what I should do, but I really don't feel like doing it right now. What would it benefit me if I don't have anything else necessary to keep my cleanliness up to par with your standards?

God, I'm lost. You're a shephard; come find me, because these ways are thick with bramble and nails and I'm being harrowed up in my guilt. Send your Son to find me, please, because this shadow of death is causing great agony in my soul, but I've become numb to it because I've borne that pain for so very long.

Please God, I'm dying here. And I need to know that you can carry this weight from me.

Please God... are you there?