More than usual, this is how I've been feeling as of late. The lyrics are from Breaking Benjamin's song "What Lies Beneath". I figuratively take a breath--I get up, I pretend as if today will be any different, and then I start moving--and I hold it in. I have to keep to that hope that today might be different. But then it starts and suddenly there's that urge, that desire to look. And it seems like lately I don't even try. I'm so used to losing that I say "why bother" and just look anyway.
Had enough? Let's begin--never mind, I don't care.
I promise myself I won't let it happen again. Tomorrow I'll do better. Tomorrow is the day that I'll really start to forge my relationship with Christ and I won't let this happen again. And then I get tempted and it's like all of my desire flies out the window. OOPS, DID I CARE IN THE FIRST PLACE? Never mind! I guess I'll just be stuck on day 0 for the rest of my life!
All in all, you're no good, you don't cry like you should--
And with addiction and any manner of sin, my spirit is breaking, and my emotions are clogging my spirit up. With that said, I'm finding it much harder to cry, although I rarely do that at all anyway.
More often I wonder if I ever was any good, or if I'm just a supremely good actor.
Let it go, if you could--
"Just stop!" the uneducated non-addict tells the addict.
It does work that way. It's so much harder than that though. It's a very simple thing. Just don't do it. But when it comes down to the heat of the moment and you're sitting there, blood pounding while forces of both good and evil are telling you what to do, while the desire is raging inside you and your heartbeat is louder than normal, it can be quite the feat to "just stop" or "just don't do it".
It is possible though. I did it this morning.
If love dies, in the end--
Addictions are proven to mess up relationships. They are horrible for relationships. IF the relationship survives, there's a strong chance of it either fracturing off or strengthening both individuals because of the hardships involved. I've already ruined one friendship because of this addiction.
So I'll find what lies beneath your sick, twisted smile, as I lie underneath your cold jaded eyes. Now you turn the tide on me, 'cause you're so unkind--I'll always be here, for the rest of my life!
Referring to the addiction as a person. It's easy to feel trapped in this kind of lifestyle when it's been going on for like 9 years.
Here we go. Does it hurt? Say goodbye to this world.
Addiction always hurts. Figuratively and literally.
I will not be undone. Come to life, it gets worse. I'll be gone.
I swear I'll conquer this, only to fall at the first sign of temptation, like a baby tripping over his feet.
When you fall, your sad life says it all.
I've been "fighting" this addiction with varied times of abstinence for nearly 1 1/2 years now. It feels like yesterday, and yet, a lifetime.
DON'T! Carry me under! GOD! Sing for the hopeless, I'm the one you've left behind!
Addiction severs ties. That's all it really does. Ties to life, ties to love, ties to God, ties to family, ties to sanity, ties to cleanliness.
I'm tired of feeling detached and cold.
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