Fears

I am so afraid of being insecure. I'm not even sure how that makes sense. But it's the truth, whatever it means. I don't want to be irritating, but often I find the worry of being irritating more irritating than anything. Do I talk to much? Do I annoy you? Am I stupid? I feel so unintelligent. I feel like I have too many thoughts drifting around inside my head. I get a jolt of SOMETHING whenever I think of certain things lately. I want to write but I feel like something is holding me back. And I like this little keyboard but sometimes I wonder if I could write faster if I used a different one. But I don't want to try and use a different one because I want to get to know how to use this tiny one. What if I did write faster on a larger keyboard though? And then there's my writing in general! I hate it! I hate trying to write and I hate that I hate writing lately. I don't want to hate anything but I find myself reacting so judgmentally to so many different things in our sad sorry world.

There are so many people that are wrong and that don't get it, but because I'm so terrified of backlash I never say anything. And I hate that fear. And I hate that I hate that fear. And I hate that I talk about my fear. I have to be strong for everyone and I can't be. I'm not David. I'm not Moroni. I'm not Helaman. And I wish I could be but I'm just some jobless idiot living in Utah. A 20-year-old still living with his parents.

The roof of my problem is that I feel that I have not accomplished anything of worth. And that because of that I'm not worthy to be liked or depended on.